My heart is new. My heart is full of joy. It bubbles out of my chest and falls off my tongue. I can’t stop thinking about it, talking about it, singing about it and being in absolute joy over it. From time to time, I stop and remember my heart is new because other men have blackened theirs with the boasting and arrogance of Joseph Smith. I am grateful for this new life in my heart. I mourn that, in part, other men’s hearts went dark to bring me to this place.

This past week, a dear friend asked me why I can’t just enjoy my new found faith in Jesus and not attack the Mormon Church. When someone feels that I am attacking their religion, it is because I failed in my presentation or the hearer failed to understand my message. Either way, there is no intended attack. I will answer my friend, but first, I must share a few experiences from my own personal story. This is a love story and like any love story, there are bumps along the way.

I pray to God that he will guide me in this effort.

I was born into a staunchly religious Mormon family. For most of my life, I was devoted to and defended that religion. Then something amazing and unexpected happened. Jesus revealed himself to me and my wife. Much to our surprise, he was not the Jesus we thought we knew and loved. He was so different that he was almost unrecognizable. Yet, he was so familiar and comfortable that there was no mistaking the truth… this new Jesus is the real Jesus. That Jesus who we had previously known was the little Jesus. That Jesus was a creation of the founder of Mormonism. That little Jesus was and is the Jesus of Mormonism who has been embraced and protected and diminished for over 150 years.

Men Over Jesus

One month before his death, Joseph Smith wrote and had published in the Millennial Star, the official newspaper of Nauvoo, Illinois, these words,

“I have more to boast of than ever any man had. I am the only man that has ever been able to keep a whole church together since the days of Adam. A large majority of the whole have stood by me. Neither Paul, John, Peter, nor Jesus ever did it. I boast that no man ever did such a work as I. The followers of Jesus ran away from Him; but the Latter-day Saints never ran away from me yet”.

Joseph Smith, History of the Church, Vol. 6, pp. 408-409

Here we see the perfect description of the little Jesus. He was placed last on a list of mere men. As if that were not enough, he was then placed significantly and blasphemously beneath Joseph Smith. This little and weak Jesus saturates the fabric of Mormonism.

Without realizing it, I have lived the bulk of my life fully believing in the little Jesus and living in subjection to Joseph Smith and a host of men who also elevated themselves above God. I invite you to join me as I share my wonderful transition from the little Jesus to the one I love now. But first, I must proclaim with all of my energy, my Jesus is bigger and higher and wider and deeper than ever I could have imagined. He is brighter and wiser and richer and fuller and more loving than can be comprehended from within the walls of Mormonism. To my Mormon friends, he is a joy beyond your current understanding but easily within your reach.

As I look back at the events of my life, I can easily identify many times when I was indoctrinated to believe in the little Jesus and compelled in my subjection to men who thought themselves above even God. I can see it now, but with my Mormon eyes, I was blind.

I can never remember a time when I was comfortable with Joseph Smith. Never was I able to testify that he was a prophet. And when we sang “Praise to the Man“, I always cringed… I hate that song. But still, I continued in the religion for many, many years. I guess that makes me a hypocrite.

I was sixteen years old when I took a serious turn into sin. The Hippie craze was dieing down. There were girls and drugs that I had not yet known. If I didn’t hurry, I would miss it all. The trouble with my master plan was that when sex and drugs are the only priority, who has time to work? For me, crime was the best and easiest solution. After several years in a downward spiral of sin and trouble with the law, I knew I had to get out or it would own me forever. So, I joined the military and prepared to start a new life.

One morning, a few weeks before entering the service, I sat on the edge of my bed. My heart was broken, my shame was complete. I was wretched and I knew it. In desperation, I turned to the only hope left me. I poured out my shame and regret to Jesus. I wept many tears that day. Some were of bitterness and some of joy. Jesus came to me. Jesus loved me even from the bottom of the pit that was my own making and in that hole, he received me to his heart.

Even then, I only knew the little Jesus. I accepted the lie that I had to go before men, in a bishop’s court. My understanding was that forgiveness was not possible through Jesus alone, that forgiveness was only possible by confessing my sins before a council of men. Men who stood above Jesus, in their imaginations, to hear and judge and forgive where their little God could not. They judged me guilty and dis-fellowshipped me for a few years. During that time, I worked to get right while wearing the scarlet letter that men had pinned to me.

My blindness kept me for seeing that it was the big Jesus who came to me on my bed. I did not understand that it was finished between me and Jesus on the edge of my bed. He required nothing more from me beyond that sincere change of heart.

Years later, a councilor in the ward bishopric asked to meet with me. He called me to teach the Sunday School class for the 16 year old youth. I accepted because good Mormons can do no less, but in this case, I was excited about this responsibility. The next week, I taught my first class with the Sunday School President observing. After class, the President complemented me on a job well done.

The next Sunday, I taught my second class. After class, that same councilor asked to meet with me again. He indicated that they were going to release me from the calling. This really disturbed me because I was connecting with the kids and things were going very well. I asked “why”? He indicated that the father of one of the kids did not want me to teach his daughter.

I need to jump away from the story for a second and help you understand how callings are made in the Mormon church. The theory is that when a position needs to be filled, the leadership will gather and ask God to reveal who should be called to that position. The idea is that no calling is filled until God reveals a name.

I asked the councilor, did you pray and receive God’s inspiration before calling me to this position? He answered in the affirmative… what else could he do? I asked, did you pray and receive God’s inspiration before deciding to release me from this calling? He answered in the affirmative… what else could he do? I asked, which one was wrong, your Monday God or your Friday God? His answer was a long silence followed by his commitment to seek council from the Bishop.

The next Sunday, I taught my third class. After class, that same councilor asked to meet with me again. This time he stated that they were going to do an investigation. The idea was that the Sunday School President would visit the home of every student and inform the parents that the Bishop was concerned about having me teach and ask if they had any concerns. In the end, the parents of my students, except that one father, approved of my calling and I was left to do that work.

The point here is that these “Godly men”, of the ward bishopric, went to God and received an answer. When the voice of a father outweighed God’s answer, they went to God again and God gave an opposite answer. One of those answers had to be a lie and these “Godly men” had no idea what was true and which was not. Then, having lost all confidence in the Lord to handle the tough matters, they turned it over to the people. All along the way, these men trusted other men more than they trusted God.

The tragic thing is that I had just proven these men to be frauds. I had just proven them to be self aggrandized superiors with no need or confidence in Jesus, but I could not see it. Still, I worshiped the little Jesus and subjected myself to men who were “superior to God”.

Years later, I sat in a stake conference and listened as a councilor in the Stake Presidency tore into the unworthy men of the stake. I was one of them because I was wearing a pale blue dress shirt and a neatly trimmed beard. This councilor explained that God will not bless a man who attends church in a shirt that is not white, with hair that is not trimmed short or with a beard that is not completely shaved.

On the mount, Jesus taught a group of Jews, who were no doubt in their robes, long hair and beards. Jesus loved them as they were. After the sermon, he walked to Capernaum and was met by a Roman Centurion who, no doubt, had closely cropped hair, a clean shaved face and wore the uniform of a Roman Soldier. Jesus loved and accepted this man as well, even though he was the opposite of the Jews. Either Jesus or this Stake leader was mistaken and I think we all know which one it was.

Then this Councilor declared, “Now you may say that Jesus had long hair and a beard”. Then he turned and looked at the Stake President and then back at us. He continued, “I tell you now that Jesus didn’t know President (name inserted)”.

My head shot up. I had just heard undeniable blasphemy in the church. I had just heard and seen a man elevated to a position above Jesus Christ. I looked around the congregation and saw no evidence that anyone recognized what had occurred. Shackles and blinders, I suppose, kept the sheep passive. But my eyes were beginning to open to an ugly truth. Still, I continued on. I guess my shackles and blinders were loosening but still in place.

I have always been politically active. I ran for the Idaho State Legislature in 2014. I produce columns, podcasts, teach Constitution classes and I speak publicly. I do this in the tradition of the Black Robe Regiment. This is a term that was first coined by the British during the Revolutionary War. It described brave men of the clergy who taught that faith and freedom are linked. The British stated that the revolution would have been easily crushed were it not for the courageous actions of these loyal pastors.

On one occasion, I wrote a column that was supported by the Constitution and by Word of God. My Bishop found it to be offensive. I was called to his office and commanded to never speak of my faith again in my columns, my blog, my public speaking, in podcasts and in my classes. I was told that if I disobeyed, my temple recommend would be taken. This would effectively cast me out of the Mormon temple. When I continued to do what was manifestly right, this Bishop made good his threat.

After several months of failed attempts to resolve this issue with my Bishop, I turned to my Stake President. He was immediately adversarial and informed me that he had directed the Bishop in all his actions. Over and over and over, he accused me of using my columns to speak as one in authority for the church. I vigorously denied these charges. He assured me that he had the offensive column. I said, “Bring it out.” He said, “it’s not here, it’s at my house.” I said, “Go get it, I’ll wait.” He refused. To this day, I have no understanding of the column he referenced and I think he is equally clueless.

This is an interesting exchange because Mormons believe it is a sin to speak as one with authority for the church. I once believed that. The New Testament is clear. After Jesus fulfilled the law, the church became the Body of Christ. The Body of Christ is made up of those who believe in Jesus. The temple, destroyed and rebuilt in three days, is the Body of Christ with Jesus as the Chief Corner Stone. Finally, with the ever present company of the Holy Spirit, the people have Jesus with them always and with that, a few things changed. In Acts we read, “In the last days, God says, “I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams.” I am a member of the Body of Christ. I have Christ with me always and as such, I will dream dreams and see visions and even prophesy if it is God’s will that I do so. I do not need permission of men who place themselves above the majesty of Jesus.

The actions of this Bishop and Stake President were, and are, in violation of the laws of the land as guaranteed by the First Amendment… you know, freedom of speech, freedom of the press, and freedom of religion. Of greater consequence, these men elevated themselves above God himself. God’s Word demands that I open my mouth for him, that I teach, exhort and even defend the Word of God. The demands of these men directly oppose the Word of God. They have made themselves large and pressed Jesus low.

Just before the crucifixion of Jesus, he warned his disciples about times to come. Jesus said, “For you will be expelled from the synagogues, and the time is coming when those who kill you will think they are doing a holy service for God.” It is interesting to me that I have been expelled from the Mormon equivalent of the synagogue. It is also curious to note that every Mormon is under commandment from Brigham Young to kill me because I left the church and that this killing will be in the holy service of God, according to Brigham. And all this because I would not stop speaking for Jesus.

For nearly a year, I tried to resolve things with the assistance of the General Authorities of the Church in Salt Lake City. In response to my letter, I received a phone call from a member of the Quorum of the Seventy. I did not get his name. He assured me that I had done nothing wrong and that the problem could be quickly resolved. Then, I never heard from him again. I think he was trying to do the right thing and was, therefore, pulled from my case. From that point on, I was referred to Elder Ulisses Soares, who is the General Authority over the man who called me. I was never able to speak with him. His receptionist is an impenetrable barrier who repeatedly promised that Soares would telephone me. He never did. It is my personal belief that Soares is only interested in protecting the power structure, regardless of what may be right or wrong.

In the April, 2012 General Conference, Soares stated, “Our daily question must be, Do my actions place me in the Lord’s or in the enemy’s territory?” I think the answer is clear because the man seems to be incapable of keeping his word.

In the October 2005 General Conference Soares stated, ‘People are most receptive to our influence when they feel that we truly love them, and not only because we have a calling to fulfill.” Personally, I would say that the man’s silence and refusal to fulfill his commitments have made it difficult to detect his love for me.

Soares has effectively protected the misdeeds of local leaders. He has placed them above God and placed himself above them. The higher you go, the littler Jesus seems to become.

It is so amazing to me to look back on all my communications with these church leaders. From top to bottom, each spoke of my duty to be subject to them alone. Now that I have found and fallen in love with the big Jesus, I cannot believe that these men did not speak of Jesus even once. It is even more shocking that I didn’t notice or think it strange. Now, I see and understand that religion was and is the focus and Jesus was and is the afterthought.

All of these stories have one thing in common. Men, even well meaning men, stepped into the place of Jesus. When this happens, the little Jesus is forced to exist in the limited space between these self-exalted men and the blindness of the people keep him small. There is simply no room left for the big Jesus.

First completely blinded and slowly seeing more and more, my wife and I began to recognize men who exalt themselves and diminish God. From this maze of confusion, only one resource remained available to us. Jesus! We cast off the lenses and filters of religion. We threw down everything we thought we knew. We turned to Jesus, leaned only on Jesus, trusted only in Jesus. We began to pray and read the Book of Matthew with the eyes of a child. Jesus revealed himself to us. To our surprise, we learned that he was nothing like we had supposed. You see, this new Jesus, this Big Jesus did not exist in our Mormon world where everything minimizes him and maximizes men.

Finding Jesus

Many have suggested that I left the church because of persecution from these men. It is not so. There was anger and bitterness because I could not reconcile their demands with the laws of God and of men. I could not reconcile Mormonism with Jesus. Those months when I had lost Mormonism and not yet found Jesus were as dark as BLACK can ever be. These men did not drive me out, they only drove me to my knees because I was dead. Literally, everything I thought I knew was dead. My heart was dead. I look back at the sorrow and pain of those years as a great and wondrous blessing. Often, it is the walk through sorrow that leads to the Joy of Jesus. For us, every moment of anguish was worth the eventual reward.

After finding Jesus, my heart changed in the most amazing way. I have no anger. The best way I can think to describe my feelings is to ask you to imagine that you are the recipient of a donor heart. You are so grateful for that heart because it has given you life. At the same time, you know that someone had to die so that you might live.

My heart is new. My heart is full of joy. It bubbles out of my chest and falls off my tongue. I can’t stop thinking about it, talking about it, singing about it and being in absolute joy over it. From time to time, I stop and remember, my heart is new because other men have blackened theirs with the boasting and arrogance of Joseph Smith. I am grateful for this new life in my heart. I mourn that, in part, other men’s hearts went dark to bring me to this place.

There is one thing I must mention As a follower of the little Jesus, I thought I understood the Bible. As my wife and I read together with the eyes of a child, we have discovered something unbelievable. Regularly, we stop, look at each other and say, “who put that in the Bible?” As followers of the little Jesus, we never came to know Jesus because the plain and precious parts of the Word of God do not align with Mormonism. So Mormonism carefully ignores and disregards. We were shocked to discover that we knew more about men like Joseph Smith, Nephi, Moroni and Alma than we ever understood about Jesus. But, why then should we be surprised when the Jesus we loved was the little and weak one.

So, now I will attempt to answer my wonderful friend. I am not fighting against the church. I care nothing for the church. I am defending you. I am fighting for you. I am pleading with God that he will fill your heart as he has filled mine.

On this piece of doctrine, we are agreed, Jesus is the only way back to the Father. Are you willing to hang your hope and the hopes of your children and grandchildren on the saving power of Mormonism’s tiny, weak Jesus?

My God is so big. I can’t explain him, I can’t describe him. If I could, he wouldn’t be God. This I do know, he is big enough for us all. Will you join me in giving praise to the Big Jesus?